13 July 2014

Seven-Way Dispute Erupts Over Afghan Election

Copyright © 2014 by Thomas Gangale
@ThomasGangale

GNN BREAKING NEWS


An agreement to settle Afghanistan's disputed presidential run-off election, brokered by U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry during his recent mission to Kabul, began to fall apart within hours of Mr. Kerry's return to Washington.

A complete audit of ballots cast in the 14 June election had been agreed to by the two run-off candidates, Abdullah Abdullah and Ashraf Ghani.

Abdullah Abdullah

Ashraf Ghani

However, shortly after Mr. Kerry's departure, several thousand boxes of previously uncounted ballots from the 5 April election were discovered in a deserted Kabul whorehouse, casting doubt on the legitimacy of the 14 June run-off.

At this point, it is not clear that either Mr. Abdullah or Dr. Ghani qualified for the run-off election, in which case it may be expected that the run-off election will be nullified.

Early counting of the newly discovered ballots has identified five additional candidates who appear to have polled strongly on 5 April.

Among the new names now coming to the fore is an old one: Hamid Karzai, the current Afghan president, who had intended to step down after 13 tumultuous years. "Am I a candidate again?" he asked when told of the discovery. "Are you sure?"

Hamid Karzai

Far more surprising are the four other names that may suddenly hold the balance in Afghanistan's complicated politics: four actors. Two of them are British knights: Ben Kingsley and Patrick Stewart. The other two are American citizens: F. Murray Abraham and Erick Avari.

Ben Kingsley

Patrick Stewart

F. Murray Abraham

Erick Avari

Noting that the United Kingdom and the United States played the leading roles in the NATO occupation of Afghanistan, which is now winding down after 13 years, one of the four actors commented on condition of anonymity.

"It may be that the NATO occupation has been far more popular with the Afghan people than anyone imagined. Or, it may signify people's anxiety over what may happen in Afghanistan once the Americans and the British leave. After all, they see what is now happening to nearby Iraq."

Another of the four actors, also speaking off the record, was self-deprecating. "It could be that after 13 years of Karzai, Afghans have simply grown comfortable with being led by a bald, grey-bearded man who projects a certain affable and assuring presence. In that case, I imagine that any one of us might do."

If so, Mr. Abdullah, who has a fine head of hair, may find himself shorn of his electoral support. Indeed, the early recounting of ballots indicates that a significant number of people voted for Abdullah Abdullah twice twice.

Suddenly there is much speculation regarding the rising political prospects of Mr. Avari, a native of Darjeeling, India. "It would hardly be the first time that a South Asian actor has converted box office success to ballot box success," an election commission spokeswoman said.

Even if Mr. Avari does not win the Afghan presidency, there are already stirrings that he may have a bright political future in his adopted country. "Being from Darjeeling, he could be the next fair-haired boy of the Tea Party!" exclaimed U.S. Senator Rand Paul (R-KY).

When asked whether Mr. Avari's birthplace would exclude him from serving as president of the United States, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) responded, "No problem. We will already have invaded and annexed West Bengal by the time he's ready to run for president."


CORRECTION

It has come to our attention that our story on the Afghan election recount reported that the uncounted ballots were found in a deserted Kabul whorehouse. In fact, the ballots were found in a warehouse. It was not our intention to suggest that there has been any decline in the sex trade in Kabul. GNN greatly regrets the typographical error, but it did spell-check correctly.

However, the printing of Abdullah Abdullah's name is correct: he really does have the same name twice.

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