Citizens of Odessa are expressing defiance as rumors sweep this Texas city of an impending invasion from Moscow, Idaho. In a televised speech earlier today, the mayor declared that Odessa would "resist aggression to the last man, woman, and child."
In recent days, gun-racked pickup trucks have become a common sight on the streets of Odessa. Sporting goods stores, including major chains such as Big 5, have completely sold out of all types of firearms and ammunition as the city braces for whatever may come. "We're gonna kick their ass!" hollered a local resident dressed in battle dress uniform and a John Deere cap. "And we'll spit chew at 'em!" He then proceeded to demonstrate his prowess.
Cattle guards are unlikely to be an effective barrier.
Former Texas governor George W. Bush issued a statement rallying Odessans in his native Spanish: "Es mejor morir de rodillas que vivir en sus pies!"
Meanwhile, officials in Moscow have denounced rumors of a looming attack on Odessa as "Western propaganda" and "the paranoia of people who have obviously watched too many John Milius movies and drunk too much Lone Star beer." A highly-placed spokesperson declared, "The idea of one red state attacking another red state is plainly ridiculous. We hold firm to the doctrine that all bubbas are brothers. The ultimate triumph of global bubbahood is a historical inevitability."
Filmmaker Milius, whose credits include "Red Dawn" (1984), was unavailable for comment. Close associated deny that he is dusting off the script for the long-delayed sequel.
In related news, the situation remains tense as Moscow troops patrol the streets of Sebastopol, California for a second week.