Copyright © 2016 by Thomas Gangale
Every dog in Tonga knows at least one word: "'Alu!" ("Go away!") It's the only word most Tongan dogs ever hear. Once I had the evil idea of raising litters of puppies, training them to run to me with great enthusiasm upon hearing the command "'Alu!" and releasing them on the streets of Nuku'alofa; however, it's unethical for social scientists to conduct experiments without the consent of the subjects, and it's questionable whether puppies are legally competent to give their informed consent.
My dogs are among the best educated in Tonga. They know:
'alu ki fale koloa - (let's) go to the store
'alu ki 'api - (let's) go home
'alu 'eva - (let's) go for a walk
'ikai - no
kuli - dog
kuli lelei - good dog
kuli ngutu lahi - big mouth dog (i.e., barking dog, Tongans always get a laugh out of this)
moa - chicken (free-running, my dogs have killed a few)
nofo - stay
puaka - pig (free-running, my dogs love to chase them)
tuku - stop (it)
tuku tangi - stop crying (i.e., stop barking)
'ofa atu - love to you
'ofa lahi - lots of love
'uma lahi - big kiss
Tongans sometimes wonder why a palangi (white man) talks to his dogs in Tongan. I shrug, "They're Tongan dogs. Their English isn't that good."
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Samoans are known for their size. Every National Football League team has one or two. How do they get so big? Kai lahi (they eat a lot)! Kai manioke (tapioca), kai moa (chicken), kai 'ufi (yam), kai puaka (pig), kai mei (breadfruit), kai ika (fish), kai kumala (sweet potato), kai sipi (mutton), kai ma (bread), kai pulu (beef), kai talo (taro)... but no matter how much you feed them, they always want some moa.
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People usually appreciate the courtesy of being addressed in their native language. The larger stores in downtown Nuku'alofa are Indian (or Indo-Fijian). So when I walk into Narattam's department store, Bhagwan's fabric shop, or Neeru's pharmacy, I say, "Namaste." And not because of my surname, which coincidentally is found in India.
"In German oder Englisch, I know how to count down, und I'm learning Chinese," says Wernher von Braun.
So is this aerospace engineer. I have to.
Most small businesses in Tonga are owned by Chinese. Some know a little Tongan, but many don't know English. A notable exception to the rule was a time when Marilyn was trying to buy some things at the shop across the street, was not making herself understood, and a Tongan tried to help by speaking to her in Tongan, which was futile. After a minute or so, the proprietor yelled in exasperation, "Engrish, foo!" He needs to watch a few more episodes of The A-Team and practice that line.... and wear a lot more jewelry.
It has become my habit to walk up to the heavily barred window of a Chinese shop and say, "Ni hao ma," or more informally, "Ni hao." Sometimes I go bilingual, such as "Ni hao, ma fa." ("Hello" in Mandarin, "four loaves of bread" in Tongan. The proprietor smiled knowingly, appreciating the play on words. A short walk down Hala Taufa'ahau was a walk-in grocery store. When a cat walked down one of the aisles toward the front of the store, I greeted it, "Ni hao, mao." ("Hello, cat.") The store erupted with laughter. I gave passing consideration to doing two shows a night in Shanghai.
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A palangi (white man) walks up to the window of a liquor store with his four dogs and asks for a cold beer. "Pia taha mokomoko."
"Just one?"
"Yeah. My friends don't drink. They're under 18."
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Dylan was digging in his cat box... and digging and digging. "Only Dylan could go to China."
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One day I happened to see my neighbor, a fellow American expat, as I walked across the street, and we exchanged greetings and pleasantries. He asked what I was up to these days, and as up to this point I had taken him for a normal, level-headed guy, I casually mentioned that I was working on my dissertation for a doctorate in international space law. He responded with the most astonishing flurry of rapid-fire, stream-of-consciousness conspiracy theories, everything from how the US military is in complete control of outer space, to how They are manipulating the weather to create violent storms using metal particulates in the upper atmosphere electrically charged from the surface of the earth by huge fields of high-energy radio transmitters in Alaska, to chemtrails. I thought I had blundered onto the set of a Mel Gibson film. But I was ready. If Patrick Stewart walked up to me with a syringe full of "gravy," I was going to bite the shit out of his nose.
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