13 January 2016

Rocket Without a Cause


Copyright © 2016 by Thomas Gangale
@ThomasGangale

Recent headline: "NASA officials admit Space Launch System is a rocket without a plan"

Big frakking deal, so was the Space Shuttle.

NASA: We want to go to Mars.

Nixon White House: Screw it! Do I look like Jack Kennedy? I've already made a phone call to the Moon. Do you have anything else in mind?

NASA: We want to build a fully reusable Space Shuttle.

Nixon White House: What for?

NASA: So we can assemble and resupply a permanent Space Station.

Nixon White House: Sorry, you can have one or the other, not both.

NASA: We want to build a fully reusable Space Shuttle.

Nixon White House: What for? You can't have a permanent Space Station now.

NASA: We'll fly science labs up and down in the payload bay until we have a permanent Space Station, and we'll launch satellites for communications and other stuff, making money by providing commercial launch services. 

Nixon White House: How much will that cost?

NASA: Here is our estimate.

Nixon White House: Too much money! How about a partially reusable Space Shuttle?

NASA: It will cost less to develop, but it will cost more to operate.

Nixon
White House: That will be the next administration's headache. OK, build it.

Ford White House: Not my headache! I'm just passing through, but does this Space Shuttle make economic sense?

NASA: Sure it does, and just to be sure, we'll increase our customer base by launching military satellites.

US Military: Oh, no you won't!

Carter White House: Oh, yes you will!

US Military: OK, but it's gotta have a huge payload bay for our future spy satellites, huge wings so we can "abort once around" to land at Vandenberg, and some other stuff to spook the shit out of the Soviets.

Brezhnev Kremlin: We will build permanent Space Station called Mir! And we must have Space Shuttle, too! We will call it Buran!

Andropov Kremlin: Da, what Comrade Brezhnev said!

Chernenko Kremlin: Da, what Comrade Andropov said!

Gorbachev Kremlin: Da, what Comrade Chernenko said!

ESA: Oui, what Monsieur Gorbachev said! We will build a Space Shuttle called Hermes!

JAXA: Hai, we will build a Space Shuttle called HOPE!

Satellite Customers: Hey, NASA... when are you going to launch this damned thing on time? Your delays cost us money! Come on, pick up the pace!

NASA: Shit! One of our Space Shuttles just blew up!

Commercial customers: Screw this, we're going with Arianespace!

US Military: Screw this, we're going back to expendable launch vehicles!

NASA: But that huge payload bay, those huge wings! We built what you said you wanted.

US Military: Tough shitsky! We're outta here, man!

NASA: We want to build another Space Shuttle orbiter.

Reagan White House: Well, there you go again! What for? All your satellite customers have left. Aren't three orbiters enough to fly your silly little Spacelab up and down?

NASA: Remember that permanent Space Station we've always wanted? You told us two years ago that we could have it now. So, we need another orbiter to assemble and resupply a Space Station.

Reagan White House: Oh, I didn't recall that. Well, OK then. And even better, someday you'll have a fully reusable National Aerospace Plane to replace your partially reusable Space Shuttle. We'll call it the Orient Express.

G H W Bush White House: Let's go to Mars!

NASA: We can do that... for the low, low price of $500 billion!

G H W Bush White House: Are you nuts? Read my lips... we only piss away that kind of money on wars and S&L bailouts.

Clinton White House: We'll bring our new Russians friends into the Space Station project so we'll only need to build half of it ourselves. They'll build the other half.

NASA: And we'll use the money we save to go to Mars?

Clinton White House: Hell, no! You're not goin' to Mars, Mars comes to us... they tell me we've got this meteorite that might have life from Mars.

NASA: So, half a Space Station assembled and resupplied by a half-reusable Space Shuttle, and no Mars.

Clinton White House: I feel your pain.

Yeltsin Kremlin: We assembled Space Station Mir already, so why do we need Space Shuttle? Cancel Buran!

ESA: Oui! Cancel Hermes!

JAXA: Hai! Cancel HOPE!

Clinton White House: Abandon all hope of a National Aerospace Plane. The Space Shuttle will have to keep flying forever, so hope for the best. Did I ever tell you about a town called Hope?

NASA: Shit! One of our Space Shuttles just burned up!

G W Bush White House: Dad gum it! No more Spacelab flights, just finish assembling the Space Station and get rid of this Space Shuttle. But, tell you what... you can go back to the Moon and you can go to Mars. I have no idea how to pay for it since there's a war on... actually two wars.

NASA:  But how will we resupply the Space Station after we get rid of the Space Shuttle?

G W Bush White House: That will be the next administration's headache. You can dump the thing in the ocean for all I care. There's a war on... actually two wars.

Obama White House: Still hoping to replace the Space Shuttle with something, meanwhile our Russian "friends" gouge us for flights to the Space Station, there's no money for going back to the Moon, and who knows if we'll ever go to Mars. What a headache! Is this change anyone can believe in?

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