Waters of Mass Destruction

By Thomas Gangale and Marilyn Dudley-Rowley
5 September 2005

A Central Intelligence Agency memo warns that the Al-Qaeda Institute of Technology may have devised a way to engineer the weather in order to hurl hurricanes toward the American mainland. This constitutes a new class of weapons of mass destruction. The report is buried in the federal bureaucracy.

Hurricane Katrina grows to Category 4 status as it heads towards New Orleans.

The President reads his favorite bedtime story, "My Pet Goat."

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) and the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) monitor the situation.

Hurricane Katrina makes landfall.

The President is notified. He continues to read "My Pet Goat."

Fearing that Washington may be the next target, Vice President Cheney is moved to an undisclosed high-elevation location.

DHS and FEMA monitor the situation.

Levees designed to protect New Orleans from a Category 3 storm collapse.

The President is notified. He returns to reading "My Pet Goat."

Air Force fighters are scrambled to intercept any other tropical storms that might violate US airspace.

DHS and FEMA monitor the situation.

Tens of thousands of refugees converge on the Louisiana Superdome and the New Orleans Convention Center. Civil order degenerates into a "Mad Max" scenario as refugees fight over food, drinking water, and other survival items.

President Bush declares, "My fellow Americans, we sent the Army and the National Guard into Iraq to drain the swamp of terrorists, but it turned out to be desert. Now, a new threat to national security has emerged. Accordingly, we are pulling some troops out of Iraq and redeploying them in New Orleans to drain the swamp of terrorists."

The streets of New Orleans are deserted except for grizzled Vietnam veterans patrolling their sectors through waist-high water.

Criticism mounts regarding the inadequate response of federal agencies. Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff is unavailable for comment. Undersecretary Nickersdown pinch-hits for Secretary Chertoff, stating, "Until today, we didn't know there was anyone still in New Orleans. According to the operational plan, we assumed that everyone would have driven out of New Orleans through the rising waters in their SUVs. We never considered there might be poor people trapped in New Orleans."

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin says, "God damn it!"

Refugees in the Louisiana Superdome board buses bound for the Houston Astrodome.

Commenting on the federal relief effort, President Bush says, "It's hard work."

CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer queries DHS Undersecretary Nickersdown, "Why didn't you get high-resolution daytime imagery from orbit to count the heads of people left in New Orleans? NIMA [the National Imaging and Mapping Agency] could have provided that."

Undersecretary Nickersdown replies, "Who is NIMA? You mean FEMA?"

Refugees from the Louisiana Superdome are turned away from the Houston Astrodome.

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin says, "God damn it!"

When asked what FEMA is doing in his area, Johnny Dupree, mayor of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, replies, "Who is FEMA?"

Having been previously turned away from the Houston Astrodome, refugees are barred from entering the San Antonio Alamodome.

President Bush tours the devastated area, hugging freshly-scrubbed white people. "As a compassionate conservative, I wish to conserve my compassion for the victims of Hurricane Fema."

Britney Spears expresses her emotional reaction to the disaster on Larry King Live. Ben Affleck then tells Larry King everything he knows.

Commenting on the federal relief effort, President Bush says, "It's hard work."

Having been previously turned away from two other domes, refugees are barred from entering the Flagstaff Skydome.

Al Franken organizes a relief effort. "Send me all your receipts."

To relieve rising gas prices, the President Bush proposes legislation to authorize offshore oil drilling in the recently designated New Awlins National Wetlands Refuge (NANWR).

Having been previously turned away from three other domes, refugees arrive at the Seattle Kingdome to find that it has been demolished five years earlier. The Tacoma Dome also refuses them shelter.

President Aaron Broussard of Jefferson Parish declares independence and applies for foreign aid from the United States government.

New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin says, "God damn it!"

The Conch Republic extends full diplomatic relations to Jefferson Parish. Ambassadors are exchanged.

Reacting to the destruction of Mississippi Gulf Coast casinos, Cuban president Fidel Castro announces a sudden shift toward capitalism by unveiling a plan to reopen the gaming palaces of Havana.

Nevada gaming interests immediately order a hit on Castro.

The Conch Republic and Jefferson Parish declare war on Nevada.

Having been previously turned away from four other domes, refugees arrive at the Thunderdome, where Tina Turner declares to the cheering crowd, "Laissez les bon temps rouler!"